Recently, I've made some mistakes. I'm not going to get into all the messy details, but I've basically been punishing myself for them for the past year and a half. I've been denying myself a lot of the things that I used to enjoy. I haven't been to the gym, I've rarely baked or cooked, I haven't seen friends like I used to, I haven't sat down to read a good book or a watch a movie. I have been telling myself that I don't deserve to do these things. I have convinced myself that unless I completely fix everything that I've done wrong, then I cannot enjoy my life. It's been exhausting and stressful. I didn't even realize just how bad it had gotten until one of my best friends called me out on it today. She was going through a rough time and needed support from her friends..... and I wasn't there. I have been so stuck inside my own head with my own problems that I haven't paid nearly enough attention to the people around me. I am really grateful that she told me how she felt. I haven't felt like myself in a long time and I didn't know if other people noticed it too, but it's clear that they have. Luckily she wasn't that mad and everything is fine now. She knows I've been going through a rough time too, but I really wish that I had been there for her.
Fortunately, I've made a lot of progress over the past 2 weeks. I got an A in the class that I took this semester, I just enrolled in a summer course for 3 weeks in July. I have 2 jobs lined up for the summer- one is working 3 hours/day at a summer preschool program, which I've done before, and the other is working a few hours per week at a chocolate shop, which is a cakewalk. And I have at least 2 awesome trips planned this summer- Cape Cod Camping and Germany!
I'm starting to feel like the pieces of my life are falling back into place. Things are still far from perfect but at least I'm in a better place than I was. And thanks to my friend being honest with me, I feel like I will be a better friend to others in the future. I definitely noticed that part of me was absent when I interacted with others. I couldn't really focus on them because I was so stressed out and upset about my own life and I couldn't forgive myself for my mistakes. But I've learned that obsessing over all that you've done wrong is counterproductive. Everybody makes mistakes but those mistakes don't have to haunt you forever.
4 comments:
you're a good person, amy! ups and downs are part of life! it's good to be aware of them!
watermelon kitty!
Thanks jessum! I really appreciate that, and watermelon kitty cheers me up every time :)
Yay Amy! I'm glad you are working through this stuff! I think we are a lot alike in some ways and I really relate to that state where you feel like you can't do anything except work on X, but really you need to feel better about yourself before you would even be able to work on X, but "punishing yourself" constantly means you never feel good enough about yourself to do it. It is a real circular hell. :-/
Anyway, I'm glad you are feeling good about some of the things in your life and you are feeling more on top of everything.
You are an awesome person and friend and you are getting better all the time! :-)
Thanks Adrienne! I'm definitely starting to feel better and I really appreciate the support of my friends! you guys are the best!
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